The Planets Will Turn
by thekidwiththehelmet
Summary: River gets hooked on soap operas and decides the use them as a guide to seduction. RiverJayne
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimers:** Joss owns Firefly. The Planets Will Turn is mine. boo-yah.

* * *

"Hey, little one," Mal said as he entered the cockpit where the resident crazy girl was sitting. She was staring intently at whatever was showing on the cortex. "What're you up to?"

"Jennifer just shot Warren in the back," River muttered to the captain, her eyes never leaving the screen.

Mal stared at River, confusion written all over his face. He tried to decide if she was having a crazy episode. "Huh?"

"On 'The Planets Will Turn'. Warren killed Jennifer's husband, Steve, so Jennifer shot him in the back."

Mal tried to keep up with the story. "Well, why would Warren do that?"

"Steve impregnated Warren's wife, Melissa."

"Uh-huh." Mal stood behind, craning his neck to see around her. "Oh! You're watching a soap opera!" realization dawned on Mal, before bafflement took over. "What in the name of Buddha are you doing watching soap operas?"

River looked up at him and cocked her head, "I find them very entertaining."

"A genius like yourself shouldn't be wasting her time watching go se like this! Especially a young genius."

River rolled her eyes. "I'm 18. Soap Opera watching is a very common custom amongst girl my age."

"Is it now?"

"Yes. The melodrama suits our hormonal needs quite well."

Mal just stared at River, flummoxed. "Where's Wash?" he finally asked.

"He and Zoe are off enjoying each other," River explained soberly.

"Oh, god, I don't need to know that!" Mal exclaimed as he frustratedly stomped out of the cockpit.

* * *

River stared intently at the Cortex screen as Veronica strutted into Russell's bedroom dressed in skimpy lingerie. She barely noticed Kaylee sitting down next to her.

"Ooh, 'The Planets Will Turn'! I love this one."

River merely nodded her agreement as she carefully studied Veronica's seduction techniques.

"I hate that Veronica," Kaylee stated vehemently. "She's such a jien hwo."

"Her methods are very effective," River muttered.

"Well, yeah! She's hot as all hell! I'd even have sex with her! Doesn't change the fact that she's off her gourd."

They watched in fascination as Russell ripped Veronica's negligee in half

"She was able to seduce him by using poorly manufactured clothing."

"Well, guys do like tiny, flimsy things. The easier they are to get off..."

River nodded, digesting the information.

* * *

Jayne sat in the galley, cleaning his guns. It was late, the rest of the crew had headed of to bed long ago. Jayne liked the quiet, liked being alone with his guns and his thoughts.

Of course, nine times out of ten, the crazy girl always disturbed his alone time.

"What do you want, moon brain?" he asked as he heard her quite footsteps.

River came close to him, fiddling nervously with the bottom of her cotton nightgown. "It the smallest one I have, but the fabric is strong. It's not as poorly manufactured as it should be."

Jayne stopped cleaning Betty to glance up at the girl, trying to follow her incoherent babbling.

"The material is not conducive to tearing, though it is possible you're strong enough to tear through it anyway."

"What the hell are you talking about crazy girl?"

"My methods of seduction won't be as effective since I don't own any small, poorly manufactured articles of clothing. But I'm wearing my smallest in the hopes that the seduction will be just as successful in the end," River explained.

After that, Jayne couldn't hear much but buzzing. "Seduction?" he finally managed to stutter out.

River nodded, biting her lip nervously. "You are not becoming appropriately aroused." Her eyes filled with tears.

Jayne didn't know what to do. "I…..you….we….aroused?"

"I tried to follow Veronica's methods, but I lacked the proper tools."

Jayne tried desperately to follow River's line of thought. Veronica? Who the hell was Veronica?

Failing to grasp what she was talking about, he decided to do the only thing he could think of. Pawn the girl off on her brother.

"Come on, now," he growled as he grabbed River's wrist and dragged her out of the galley.

"Have my attempts worked? Are we going to have sex now?" River asked hopefully.

Jayne just grunted before opening Simon's door, shoving River in, and lumbering away.

Gorram crazy girl. Seduction? And who the hell was Veronica? Girl must be getting crazier.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimers in Part 1**

**

* * *

**Jayne came to a halt when he saw River sitting in the galley with a portable Cortex screen. He'd done a pretty good job of avoiding the crazy girl since the incident a few nights before. Being around her just made him plain uncomfortable, knowing she wanted him to sex her up. But, dammit, he was hungry.

He grunted and walked purposefully into the room, over to the cabinets where he grabbed a bag of protein snaps, and then sat at the other end of the table from River. He ignored her for as long as he could before he felt her eyes boring into the top of his head. Jayne looked up to find River glaring at him, doing her best 'I can kill you with my brain' look.

River was still mad at Jayne, for both rejecting her advances and for shoving her off onto her brother. She supposed she was a little bit mad at herself for the first part, since her seduction tactics clearly had no effect on him. But it was easier to just be mad at Jayne.

She continued to stare. Jayne swallowed hard, and searched his mind for something to say to break the tension. "What's that you're watchin'?" he asked, gesturing at the Cortex screen.

River blinked at him, but didn't stop glaring. "The Planets Will Turn."

Jayne started laughing, "Don't tell me little Kaylee got you hooked on that soap opera go se."

River glared harder.

And Jayne shut up.

After a few moments, River said, "Jayne is a girl's name."

Jayne looked up at River warningly, "Now, I warned you-"

"There is a boy with a girl's name on The Planets Will Turn."

Jayne's interest perked. "Yeah?"

River nodded. "Yes, his name is Sandy."

Jayne smiled. "Well, how about that?"

"He's a ben tian sheng de yi dui rou." Jayne's smile quickly turned into a scowl before he turned his attention back to his food.

River continued to glare while Jayne dutifully ignored her. Exasperated, River let out a noise of frustration and pushed her chair away from the table, leaving the room.

* * *

"This doesn't make sense." 

Inara looked up from the letter she was writing and smiled at River. She had let the girl use her Cortex screen when she came in complaining about Jayne taking up all the space in the galley.

"What's that?" She asked, amused that River was analyzing the soap opera so seriously.

"They've just found out Steve is alive," River explained.

Inara laughed fondly. "That happens all the time on soap operas, mei mei."

"But it's illogical. They gave his heart to Jacob. If Steven is alive, whose heart is beating in Jacob's chest."

Inara simply smiled sympathetically at River. "Boggles the mind a bit, doesn't it?"

"Yes," River said emphatically. River's mind tried to work out a logical conclusion to the problem, but she stopped when Veronica sauntered on-screen. She had decided to pay much closer attention to Veronica's advances toward Russell. River had come to the conclusion that she had put to much stock in small, flimsy clothing, and not enough in body language.

Her brow furrowed when Veronica whispered something inaudible into Russell's ear. "This cannot help me if I cannot hear what she's saying."

Inara looked up from her letter again, "Help with what?"

"Seduction," River stated simply.

Inara sputtered in surprise. "What?"

"I've been studying Veronica's methods of seduction so I can perfect my own."

Inara smiled kindly at River. "Veronica is quite the vixen, isn't she?"

River nodded. "She has copious amounts of sex."

Inara moved so that she was sitting next to River and took the younger girl's hand. "Darling, perhaps you shouldn't be looking to Veronica for sexual advice."

"But she has the most sex on the show. She's slept with three men in the past month."

"Yes, but she isn't exactly like you, now is she?"

River thought about the question, then quietly said, "Well…no."

Inara smiled again. She considered offering River some of her books, but she thought they might actually be a bit too frank for the girl. River was a genius, but she was also only a teenager. "Perhaps you should find a character that's a bit more like yourself, and then study her methods of seduction," Inara offered.

River nodded enthusiastically. "That's a very good idea. I was so blinded by the amount of sex that I didn't see how different we are in personality! Thank you Inara."

Inara patted River's hand. "Any time."

* * *

After watching very carefully for a few days to find her soap opera doppelganger, River decided she was most like Leslie. Leslie was currently being courted by the handsome, if slightly angry Bradley, and they had reached the time in their relationship where sexual intercourse was acceptable. 

River and Kaylee watched together, huddled up in the engine room, while Leslie tried to think of the best way to woo Bradley. "I don't understand why Leslie is so crazy about Bradley. Tony's still crazy about her!" Kaylee exclaimed.

"Their relationship ended in bitterness and tears. No amount of longing can erase the damage that was done," River said sadly. After thinking for a moment, she added, "Besides, Bradley and Leslie are cute."

Kaylee made a face. "I guess. I don't really care. I think they need to give more screen time to Jocelyn and Dominic. Now that's a hot couple."

They both quieted as Leslie pulled a pan of cookies out of the oven as Bradley walked into the door. River cocked her head, watching intently.

Leslie offered Bradley a cookie, and before he could finish it, they were kissing passionately.  
"Cookies lead to sex," River concluded the equation she was doing in her head out loud.

Kaylee giggled. "I guess so."

* * *

Jayne was woke up in the middle of the night to the smell of …..something cooking in the kitchen.  
Curious, he climbed out of his bunk and headed toward the galley. He walked in just as River was pulling a tray out of the over. 

When she heard him come in, she turned and smile brightly at him. "Perfect timing."

"Perfect timing for what?" Jayne grumbled, still half asleep.

River hastily grabbed a cookie off the tray and thrust it toward him. "Eat it."

Jayne eyed the cookie warily. "What'd you do to it?"

River's brow furrowed. "Excuse me?"

Jayne had figured she'd poisoned it or spit in it or something, but when her lip started to quiver, he snatched the cookie from her hand. "There, I'm eating it, okay? Just don't cry."

River watched him expectantly as he took a bite out of the cookie. He chewed slowly while eyeing the girl suspiciously. Then he started to realize the cookie had taste. Real taste, not just protein mash taste. "Hey, chocolate chip," he said appreciatively.

"The cookie is good?" River asked hopefully.

"It's damn good," Jayne said, trying to figure out how he could get her to make more.

"Excellent. Then we can have the sex now."

Jayne choked on his cookie. He was willing to do a lot to get her to make more cookies, but he was pretty certain he wasn't willing to do that. "Gorramit, girl, I thought you'd gotten your mind off that seduction stuff."

"Cookies lead to sex," River explained as if it was the most scientific thing she'd ever said.

Jayne stared at her, utterly confused. "Since when?"

"Baking cookies makes you think of domesticity, domesticity makes you think of creating babies, which makes you think of sex," River explained, getting angry.

"Babies? What?" Jayne practically yelled. "I don't know who told you that, but the only thing cookies lead to here is a happy Jayne."

River considered this for a moment. "A happy Jayne can lead to sex."

Jayne gaped at her. "No, not now it don't. All it leads to is me going to me bunk with my stomach happy."

Jayne turned quickly and walked out of the galley toward his bunk.

River looked between Jayne's retreating back and the cookies, baffled. What had she done wrong this time?


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimers in Part 1**

**

* * *

**River sat in the pilot seat, watching her soaps, while Wash sat in the copilot's seat playing with with his dinos. "Grr, I will never tell you where I buried the gold!" Wash growled.

River glanced it him thoughtfully as the cortex cut to a commercial. "Wash?"

Wash looked up from his game and smiled at River. She was the only person he was never embarrassed to play in front of. "Yeah?"

"Do your dinosaurs have sex?"

Wash sputtered, looking for an answer. "Do my dinos do what!"

"Engage in sexual activity."

Wash laughed incredulously. "Well, no, that's never really been part of the game."

"Why not?"

"Well……I guess because most of my dinos tend to be boys."

"So?"

Wash looked at her, confused. "What do you mean, 'so'?"

"It is possible for two men to engage in intercourse with each other."

Wash dropped is dinos and held up his hands. "Whoa! Okay now! I really don't need to hear you talking like that little River."

River looked at him for a moment before turning her attention back to the screen. Wash watched her enjoying her soap operas for a moment before standing to move behind her. "If you're going to start talking like that, I think maybe we ought to cut you off from the soaps. They're making you ask all kinds of strange and disturbing questions."

He peered over her shoulder and watched as a young blonde woman slapped an older woman.

"Why do you even watch this show, River? I mean, you're a genius. One would think you'd find better ways to occupy your time."

River just grunted and shrugged, her attention completely captured by the melodrama. Wash continued to observe her and the show, shaking his head in disbelief, until...

"Whoa, did that guy just get mauled by a panther!"

River nodded. "Yes. Delia warned Ashton that he shouldn't have killed the panther's parents, but Ashton didn't listen. Which doesn't make much sense. Animals lack the proper thought process to even consider revenge."

Wash placed his hand on the back of the pilot's chair, leaning in so he could see the screen better.

"Well, I'm thinking a lot of things on soaps don't always make sense." He watched as the panther chased a young girl through the jungle.

"That is true. I'm still trying to figure out how Jacob is still alive when he's supposed to have Steve's heart, despite the fact that Steve is alive and well."

Wash and River studied the screen with matching interest.

* * *

Mal walked into the cockpit and smiled at the sight before him. River and Wash were playing with Wash's dinos together. His smile turned into a frown, though, as he heard the dialogue to the game. 

"No, Veronica! I will not sleep with you! I love my wife very much, and I do not want to destroy the happy home we've made for each other!" Wash exclaimed, moving his dino around in an exaggerated fashion.

"Russell, you are weak, and one day soon I shall wear you down," River retorted.

"What in the name of all that is holy is going on in here!" Mal roared. River and Wash jumped, dropping the dinos from their hand guiltily.

"Nothin' captain," Wash said. "Just playing with River."

"That I saw," Mal said tetchily. "What I heard, though, was another thing."

Wash opened his mouth to explain, sure that he was going to take the brunt of Mal's anger, but Mal instead pointed his finger at River. "Now I let it slide when I found you were watching that go se you and Kaylee call entertainment. But now that you're hooking the rest of the crew on it, I have to say this is getting out of hand."

"Not the whole crew," River said, rolling her eyes. "Just Wash."

Mal grumbled. Wash thought he was off the hook, but Mal turned on him quickly. "And you! What do you have to say for yourself? I never would have taken you for the soap watching type."

Wash searched his mind for words. "But, Mal….a guy got mauled by a panther."

Mal stared at Wash in disbelief before turning around and walking out of the cockpit, muttering.  
River and Wash stared at him for a few moments before River picked up her dino and started the game again. "Russell, you can not resist my feminine wiles."

* * *

Zoe sat at one end of the table, staring at the sight at the other end in complete confusion. River, Kaylee, and Wash were all huddled around a cortex screen, watching The Planets will turn. 

"Okay, wait, I don't understand," Wash said, looking up at River, than to Kaylee. "Why won't Ashley go on a date with Osgood?"

"Because she thinks he's weird," Kaylee explained.

"And because she has a crush on her teacher," River added.

"Who is…..?" Wash questioned.

"Sandy," River and Kaylee responded in unison.

"He'd probably do her, too, if he knew she was sweet on him," Kaylee said with disgust. "He's such a piece of niou-se."

River nodded, her eyes wide as she watched Fiona desperately clutch a gun as her kidnapper walked toward her.

"Oh no, he's going to kill her!" Kaylee cried out.

They watched as the kidnapper came closer, and Fiona cowered into a corner. Just as the kidnapper was about to strike, Tony burst into the cabin. There was a brief scuffle, in which Tony managed to take out the attacker. Fiona rushed into Tony's arms and kissed him.

Kaylee sighed dreamily. "Aww….shiny."

"Wait, I'm confused," Wash said. "Isn't he married to Jennifer?"

Kaylee shook her head. "No, that's his son, Steve."

"Oh"

River barely heard the conversation as she began to connect the dots in her head.

Zoe laughed at the group. "Ni men dou shi shagua."

Wash feigned a look of hurt. "Aw, come on, wifey. Enjoy the perks of your sex."

Zoe shook her head, still laughing. "I think you're doing that well enough for the both of us, husband."

"Of course," River murmured. "Fear sets off the pheromones, which lead to sexual attraction."

Kaylee just stared at her before giggling.

* * *

Mal, Zoe, and Jayne strode onto the ship with new cargo, pleased that a job went well for once. 

"Wash," Mal said to the pilot who had come to the cargo bay to see that they had gotten back all right, "set a course for Persephone. Wave Badger, let him know we've got the goods."

Wash nodded and turned back toward the cock pit, but was stopped by Simon's telling.

"Wait, no, we can't go yet!" he yelled as he headed into the cargo bay from the passenger dorms, Kaylee hot on his heels. "I can't find River."

Mal rolled his eyes, angry that the doc had lost his sister again. "She's probably just hiding, she'll be fine."

Kaylee shook her head, "No, we looked all over. Been looking since not long after you left. She ain't on the ship."

"Ta shi suo you diyu de biaozi de ma!" Mal muttered. He turned to tell Jayne to go out and see if he couldn't find the girl, to see that Jayne was already heading off the ship.

"She couldn't have gotten far," Jayne yelled over his shoulder. "Probably went frolicking through the daisies and fell asleep in a field or something," he muttered, shaking his head. Gorram crazy girl.  
Making him go find her, and after he just got back from a job. All he wanted to do was go down to his bunk, smoke a cigar and clean his guns. But no, the little moon brain had to go run off. He pushed down the small feeling at panic when the thought hit him that she might be in trouble and kept grumbling as he tried to track River.

* * *

River huddled up against the wall of the small cave and smiled to herself. The sun was setting, it wouldn't be long now until Jayne found her. She just hoped that he got there before the sun went down completely. Sex under a sunset sounded quite romantic to her. 

She'd left a fairly easy trail to follow, but she hoped it wasn't too obvious that she wanted to be found. The proper amount of fear and anxiety wouldn't be built if Jayne knew she wanted him to find her.

She practiced her 'scared look', and decided it would look a little better with tears, so she worked on mustering some up. Before long, she heard heavy footsteps heading toward the cave. She let herself smile before slipping back into her scared look. She knew those footsteps were Jayne's.  
She fought the smile she felt tugging at her lips when he leaned down a bit and peered at her through the opening of the cave. "Crazy," he said conversationally.

River let out a whimper and hoped it sounded just pathetic enough. Time to pull out her acting chops. "I got lost."

Jayne sighed wearily. "I know. Come on, now. You're brother's worried." He held his hand out to her and River eyed it nervously. This was not the way it was supposed to go. She pushed herself further against the wall. "No. Scared."

Jayne grunted angrily before lowering his voice, trying to coax her, "Come on, moon brain. You know I ain't gonna hurt ya."

River shook her head. "Not scared of you."

Jayne sighed, "Then what are you scared of?"

River hadn't thought that far. "Um……just…..scared," she finished lamely, hoping Jayne didn't catch it.

She assumed that he hadn't since he had bent down and started walking into the cave. River smiled lightly to herself. Finally, her plan seemed to be working.

Jayne crouched down next to River. "Come on, Crazy. We got a lot of cargo on the boat that needs to get to Persephone ASAP, and your crazy time is holding us up."

River shook her head and pressed her face into her knees, trying not to smile.

When she didn't move, Jayne started to worry. Maybe she was really hurt. He reached out cautiously, sure that at any second she strike and break his hand. When she didn't move, he decided he was safe, and started running his hands over her, looking for a wound.

River was very happy. Jayne was touching her, her plan was going correctly, all was right in the verse. She shifted her body so that she was pressed against his body, her arms around his neck. Jayne ran his hands over her back, still checking for wounds. Girl didn't feel quite so bad pressed into his chest like that. Then she sighed against his neck. And that did all kinds of thing to him.  
"You rescued me," she said dreamily. "We can have the sex now."

That did something to him, too, only clearly not what she wanted it to. He pushed River away from him. "Jesus, are you still on that?"

River looked up at him, eyes wide. "I was in trouble. You saved me. We must have sex now," she explained as if Jayne was a very small child.

Jayne growled as her stood, lifting River up and throwing her over his shoulder before he stomped out of the cave. River pressed her upper body against his back and sighed. "Are we going to make love in a field of flowers?" she questioned. That made Jayne walk faster. He didn't stop until they reached Serenity, where he deposited River in front of her brother. She looked around her, disoriented. "This isn't a field of flowers."

"Damn right it ain't," Jayne said as he walked off toward his bunk. "You're sister's got some crazy notions, doc."

Simon looked River over frantically, making sure no harm had come to her. "River, what were you doing, running away like that?"

River stared miserably after Jayne. "Waiting to be rescued," she said sullenly. "Rescued by a knight in rusted armor."

Jayne tried to ignore River's words as he walked off toward his bunk. He just tried not to smile at the fact that River thought he was a knight.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimers in Part 1**

**

* * *

**River curled up on her bed with her cortex screen. Everyone had gone to town except for Simon and Kaylee, and Kaylee was busy fixing the engine. So River had to watch her soap operas by herself.  
She didn't mind so much today. Today was Jocelyn's 18th birthday, and Dominic had planned an incredibly romantic evening to celebrate. River did more connecting in her head. Jocelyn was 18 now, a woman in the eyes of the law. She and Dominic were going to have sex.

River would be turning 18 in three days. She realized suddenly what the problem was, why Jayne wouldn't have sex with her. She wasn't yet legal. Jayne was simply scared that someone would find out and then send him to prison.

She felt like a weight had lifted off her shoulders. Surely, she had solved all her problems. On her 18th birthday, she could have sex with Jayne.

Still, she figured she'd need some kind of seduction technique as well. She was pretty sure just announcing, "I'm 18!" and then jumping him would be ineffective.

She watched as Dominic and Jocelyn kissed amidst the candles and flowers and scrunched her nose up. She wasn't quite so sure that candles and flowers would really do it for Jayne. But then, Dominic wasn't exactly a candles and flowers guy, either.

Then Jocelyn told Dominic how special he made her feel because it was her first time. Of course! That sort of thing made a guy feel special, powerful. Jayne liked power.

She smiled to herself as she tried to figure out how she'd get Jayne all alone…

* * *

"Come on, River!" Kaylee said excitedly as she eyed the cake. "Make a wish! Blow out the candles!" 

River closed her eyes, made her wish and blew out the candles. Kaylee, Simon, and Wash clapped excitedly. Mal, Book, Inara, and Zoe watched, smiling. Jayne just grumbled. "Can we cut the gorram cake already."

"What's you wish for, River?" Wash asked.

"Can't tell. Won't come true," River said, smiling dreamily at Jayne.

That made him a mite uncomfortable.

"I'll be I know what she wished for," Kaylee said to Wash conspiratorially.

"What?" Wash and Simon asked.

"I'll bet she wished for Marcus and Chastity to get together. She's been hoping for them for awhile now."

"Ugh, the teen angst doesn't really do it for me. I lean more toward the storylines with powerful mean old men. And panthers," Wash said.

Mal ran his hand down his face wearily. "What did I say about talking soap operas at the dinner table."

"Ain't dinner, cap'n," Kaylee argued.

"Okay, then let's amend the rule. No soap opera talk around me."

"But it's River's birthday."

"Right, her 18th. Which means, if we're all lucky, she'll grow out of this obsession of hers soon enough."

"Ke wu de lao bao jun," Kaylee muttered under her breath.

River ignored the entire exchange, keeping her eyes fixed on Jayne, smiling at him. Jayne tried as hard as he could to avoid her gaze, glancing up every once in awhile to see if she had looked away yet, only to have his eyes lock with hers. Just downright unsettling. Especially since he'd been thinking for days about how good her body had felt pressed against his.

He shook his head to try to get rid of the thought. "Just cut the stupid cake."

"Okay, okay. Calm down grumpy-pants," Kaylee said as she cut into the cake.

* * *

It was serendipity. It had to be. She'd been sitting on the catwalk for hours, trying to figure out a way to get everyone off the ship so she could be alone with Jayne, when she heard Mal and Jayne coming toward the cargo bay. She heard their thoughts first, both angry and frustrated in different ways. Then she heard their voices, loud and arguing. 

"Mal, you can't leave me alone with the crazy girl. I ain't a gorram babysitter," Jayne was saying.

"You're the only one that don't got plans once we land on Beaumond. Process of elimination, Jayne. You're looking after River tonight."

At first River thought they just didn't see her sitting there, but then figured that they probably just didn't care.

"Well, if I'd known I was gonna get stuck her on this boat with the moon brain, I would have made plans."

"I'm done having this discussion. Book got off at Haven, Inara's got to see to a client, Kaylee and Simon are going out on a real date, Zoe and Wash are checking into a hotel, and I've got some old army buddies to meet up with. And you….you have fun with River."

That last part made Jayne's stomach clench a bit. Girl had some weird ideas about what was fun lately.

He leaned toward Mal, keeping his voice low. "Seriously, Mal, you can't leave me alone with her. She's messing with my head or something, I swear."

Mal just glared. "I'm not asking you to bond with the girl or anything. Just make sure she doesn't hurt herself or the ship. That don't sound too hard, right?" He didn't wait for an answer, he just turned around and left.

For the first time since he walked into the cargo bay, Jayne chanced a glance up at River. She was smiling widely.

Yep. Serendipity.  
-  
Jayne had gone to hide in his bunk while everyone else got ready to leave Serenity for the night. Simon was fussing over River while Kaylee waited patiently to leave.

"If you need something to help you sleep tonight, I put some medicine in your room. Don't forget to eat dinner, and don't stay up too late."

"Okay, Simon," River responded.

"And if that ape tries anything with you, you kick him in the groin."

"Simon!" Kaylee exclaimed, laughing.  
He shook his head. "I'm not sure this is a good idea."

"I'll be fine," River tried to convince him.

Kaylee tugged on Simon's arm. "Come on, she's a woman now. She can take care of herself."

Simon glanced at Kaylee before hugging River. "Remember. Go for the groin," Simon whispered to her. River suppressed a giggle. She would be going for that area, just not in the way Simon wanted her to.

"Bye, River!" Kaylee called, waving, as she and Simon left the ship.

Mal was next. "If he doesn't come out of his bunk in the next hour, little witch, you have my permission to go down there and drag him out."

River smiled. "The knight will be leaving his castle soon enough."

Mal just smiled at her and patted her head affectionately before leaving.

"You sure you'll be okay, sweetie?" Zoe asked as she and Wash headed out.

"Yes, don't worry about me," River responded.

"It's not really you I'm worried about," Zoe said under her breath as Wash waved goodbye.

* * *

Jayne had lumbered off to this bunk in the hopes of dozing off and killing a few of the hours he had to spend with the moon brain that way. But he was too angry to sleep. And nervous. Mostly nervous. 

So he just sat in his bunk, praying that River didn't come down there, trying with that whole seduction thing again.

He decided to just wallow in his anger. He was good at wallowing. It might help him take his mind of the nervous tickle that spread throughout his body whenever he thought about the girl.

Soon, though, he thought he heard music. Either he was going crazy, or that feng le girl was up to something. He debated just staying in his bunk, hiding from her. But he knew that if he didn't go up to find her, she'd eventually come searching for him. And he figured it was safer to find her in the cargo bay or the galley or wherever than for her to find him in his bunk. He groaned as he crawled out of his bunk and followed the music to the cargo bay. It was there that he found River, with a box of matches, apparently setting fire to the ship. Jayne rushed down the steps and ripped the matches from her hand. "What do you think you're doing, playing with fire?"

River looked at him, her face marked with a little bit of confusion, and a lot of exasperation. "I'm not playing with fire. I'm just lighting candles."

Jayne looked around and saw that the cargo bay was filled with candles. He looked from the candles to her face. The lighting made her look like an angel.

"Uh…..what's goin' on?" he muttered.

"I'm 18 now," River explained.

"Yeah, I know. I was at that stupid party we had for you, remember?"

"18. Legally allowed to make my own decisions. Legally a woman."

Jayne looked down at her, uncomprehending, until he noticed she was wearing that same white nightgown she had been wearing the first night she'd brought up that seduction business.

He pushed away roughly. "No. No, no, no. You need to get these ideas out of your head right now."

"Why?" She asked.

"Why?" He echoed, and she nodded. "Well….because they ain't right"

"Why?" She asked again.

"Because."

"Because is not a reason."

"Sure it is."

"No, it's not. It's a word that preludes a reason but it is not, in itself, a reason."

"Okay, none of your crazy logic."

"It's not crazy logic. It's common sense."

"Okay, is this 'making Jayne feel stupid' thing part of your whole seduction plan."

River fell silent, then looked at her hands ashamedly, "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well….don't do it again," Jayne finished lamely.

"But I had to make you understand," she said, looking up at him. "There are no hindrances anymore. I'm 18. You won't be thrown into prison for having sex with me."

"You know, the way you're so forward about this whole thing is downright disturbing."

"I'm legal!" she said, frustrated.

"Yeah, but you're still crazy."

"Not a lot. And even then, I'm still a woman," she said, walking up to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Jayne felt his resolve slipping.

"Nah, you ain't nothing but a slip of a girl."

"18. Woman," River whispered, leaning toward him. With her lips that close to his, Jayne really couldn't think of a good reason not to go ahead with it. Hell, she was right. She was legally a woman now, and wasn't like she didn't want it. She was practically begging for it. Wasn't like she was going to scream rape or anything.

Unless she was messing with his head.

"Not messing with anything," she said quietly. "Want this."

She was 18. And he hadn't gotten her a birthday present. He owed her something.

He leaned forward to kiss her collar bone, and River shuddered slightly at the feeling of his lips on her skin. He wound his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him, dragging his mouth up her neck to nibble on her earlobe.

River moaned. "So we can have the sex now?"

Jayne stopped. "You really gotta stop talking so matter of fact about this, baby. It kind of kills the mood." He dipped his head back down to her neck, licking at the hollow of her throat.

"Sorry," she said, but it came out as a moan.

Jayne dragged his hand up River's thigh, grasping her hip firmly. River took the action as her cue.

"Jayne?" she whispered.

"Yeah, baby?" he said into the skin of her shoulder.

"You're my first."

Jayne was concentrating so hard on River's shoulder he didn't quite catch her words. "What's that?"

"You're my first."

Jayne froze. Had she really said that? Why would she say that?

He pulled away from her neck and looked into her wide eyes. "Say that again."

"You're my first," she explained for a third time. She was confused. This was certainly not the way this was supposed to be going. Her confession was supposed to make him feel powerful, more manly. It was supposed to be encouraging.

Instead he dropped his hand from her hip and made a small screaming noise. River thought he sounded a lot like Banning had when she finally confronted her stalker.

He pushed her away quickly and muttered something unintelligible as he headed toward the stairs. River looked at him incredulously. "Where are you going?"

"To my bunk," he grumbled before disappearing.

River stomped her foot. She was so close! What had she done wrong?

She looked around her at all the candles that were burning away. "Qing wa cao de liu mang," she cursed. "I spent two weeks allowance on those."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimers in Part 1**

**

* * *

**

The next day, River locked herself in her room. Everyone was worrying over her, frightened that she was having an episode.

"Honey?" Kaylee asked as she knocked on the door. "Our stories are on. You wanna come watch with me?"

"No," came the quiet response from the other side.

"You sure?"

"…yes."

"Well…okay. If you need me, I'm in the engine room, alright?" Kaylee waited for an answer but when she got none, she turned and started for the engine room.

Next up, not long after, was Inara. "River? Are you alright, sweetheart?"

"I'm fine."

"But-"

"Go away, please."

"River?"

Silence. Inara sighed and headed back to her shuttle. Mal was next, and his manner was bit less delicate than that of the ladies. "Little witch, you gonna come out of there to eat or what?"

He was met with silence.

"River?"

"Or what."

Huh? "Huh?"

"You gave me two options. Eat or what. I don't want to eat, so I chose the only other option."

Mal sputtered for a moment in frustration. "Little witch, you come out of that room right now, or so help me-"

"Sir," Zoe said, softly but firmly as she approached him.

"Zoe, she's bein'-" Mal started.

"I know, sir."

"But-"

"Yeah," Zoe said as she pushed Mal aside. "River, sweetie? Do you want us to bring you something to eat?"

"No, thank you. I'm just fine."

"Okay. Let us know if you do, though."

"I will."

Zoe took Mal's arm and dragged him away.

Wash was the last one to try, not long before nightfall. "River?" he asked as he knocked on her door. "My dinos are getting awfully lonely. It's been a good long while since Veronica's tried to seduce Russell, and he's starting to feel neglected."

He was met with silence at first, and he started to get worried before she said, "I don't want to play tonight, I'm very tired."

"Well, okay. If you change your mind, you know where to find me." And he walked away.

The only two people who hadn't tried to get River to come out of her room over the course of the day were Jayne and Simon. After the events of the previous night, there was no way Jayne was going anywhere near that girl. Even if he did feel a little bit guilty about rejecting her the way he did. If she had come out of her room and just stared at him like she was going to kill him with her brain he would have been able to handle it. But the way she was acting, all holed up in her room, with no one knowing for certain if she was having an episode or what, made him feel all manner of terrible.

Simon had tried to get her to come out of her room first thing in the morning and was greeted with a boot to the forehead. So he had sent the rest of the crew to try to lure her out of her room while he slaved away in the infirmary, obsessing over all of River's charts and notes.

River smirked as she let her mind briefly absorb the thoughts of the crew. They were all assuming the worst. She snuggled back under the covers with her cortex screen and bag of protein snaps. After the events of the previous night, she had decided to stay in her room watching The Planets Will Turn until she had discovered the ultimate seduction technique. She had even downloaded old episodes to study.

She had realized early in the day that she had been focusing far too much on characters that were like herself, and not at all closely enough on characters that were like Jayne. She knew now that she shouldn't have told him he was a virgin. He wasn't like Dominic. It wouldn't make him feel manly and powerful. Just scared. Very, very scared.

The only problem was that she couldn't really find a character that was much like Jayne. She sighed happily as she thought of the object of her affection. He really was a unique creature.

River had become quite intrigued by grieving sex. It seemed to be the most basic and animalistic type of sex that she had seen on the show. And, when all was said and done, the least guilt-ridden, which is something she figured would do Jayne good. He wouldn't feel so bad about having sex with her if he thought he was just doing it to comfort her while she was mourning. The only problem was there was nothing on board Serenity that she could mourn over.

She could kill Simon. But she figured that would just cause a lot more trouble than was needed.

The best she could do for grieving sex was sit back, cross her fingers, and hope that someone other than Jayne got hurt badly on the next job. And she didn't think that sounded like the best of ideas.

River turned her full attention back to the screen. She was watching a very old episode. Ginger, Jennifer and Bradley's mother, was still alive. She had been kidnapped by the evil yet sexy Durran Lynch. There was certainly a sexual tension between the two, but River was certain the two would not be having intercourse.

There were few times when River was wrong. This was one of them. She watched in fascination and near-disgust and Ginger kissed Durran and the fell to the floor. River knew all about Stockholm Syndrome, but this was ridiculous. She shut off the show and began to search the cortex for information on Ginger and Durran's relationship before the kidnapping. She couldn't imagine the two would just fall in love and start making out like that without any kind of history between them.

Sure enough, River found that the two had quite a bit of history before the kidnapping. Durran had worked at for Ginger's father, and the two had developed an attraction, which was strongly discouraged by the father. This was beyond perfect. River couldn't believe her luck. This was the perfect situation for her and Jayne. Their relationship would lend perfectly to the sexual tension of a captor/captive situation.

River smiled to herself happily. She knew Jayne was weakening, last night proved that. And she knew he thought she looked sexy holding a gun. Kidnapping Jayne was the perfect plan.  
She curled up under that covers and quickly fell into sleep.

* * *

Simon sat at the table in the galley, looking over his notes on River yet again. Kaylee had finally convinced him to take his work to a place where she could heat up some of the leftovers from dinner for him. Kaylee set a bowl of soup in front of Simon as he pushed his files away angrily. "It just doesn't make any sense. She's never acted like this before." 

Kaylee put a hand on his should, comfortingly, before walking back over to the cabinets to get a snack. "I'm sure everything's okay Simon."

"The only thing I can figure is that something happened last night while we were out. When we got back, she was already asleep. Usually she waits for us."

"What could have happened?" Kaylee asked as she looked for the bag of protein snaps. "She was here with Jayne all night."

Simon started to put things together in his head, and Kaylee realized her mistake when she looked back and saw Simon seething. "Now, Simon, you know Jayne wouldn't-"

"I don't know that Jayne wouldn't do anything!" Simon exploded. "Now that she's 18, he probably thinks she's fair game!"

"I know you don't like Jayne, but he ain't like that," she said, though she was starting to get frustrated over the missing snacks. "Besides, if he had done something River hadn't want him to, do you really think she would have just gone to sleep, instead of waiting for us to get home."

Simon began to calm down. "I guess."

"I know," Kaylee countered. "Hell, maybe she's just mad at Jayne because he wouldn't play with her. So she decided to make him feel bad by hiding in her room all day."

"Doesn't seem like it made him feel bad," Simon said as he slurped at his soup.

Kaylee slammed another cabinet door. "Really? I thought he was acting kind of weird today. I hardly saw him at all, and when I did see him he didn't say two words to me." She opened the last cabinet and found that the protein snaps were just gone. She tilted her head to the side and added thoughtfully, "And it was like he was avoiding River's room today like the plague."

Simon looked up at her from his soup. "What are you implying?"

Kaylee ignored him. "Have you seen the protein snaps anywhere?"

Simon looked at Kaylee, confused, trying to follow her line of thought. "No."

"You ain't eaten any today? Or seen anyone else eat any?"

"No."

Kaylee stared out into space, thinking. "And she was fast asleep when we got home last night."

Simon was completely befuddled. "Yes, you were there with me when we went to check on her."

"And she hasn't come out of her room all day."

"Yes, which is why I'm worried that she's having an episode or something and that none of us can get in."

Kaylee seemed to snap out of it. "Simon, when has she ever had an episode that wasn't accompanied by screaming and crying?"

Simon was silent for a moment. "Maybe it's a new kind of episode."

Kaylee shook her head, smiling. "No, sweetie. It's not." Simon didn't like the slightly condescending tone to her voice, mostly because he couldn't figure out why she was using it. "She went to sleep early last night, she's locked herself in her room, and she's taken all the junk food on the ship with her."

The part was new to Simon. "She has?"

"Yeah, she has." Kaylee gave him a smile that was almost pitying.

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Simon, River's not having an episode." Her smile broke from pitying to all out joyful. "She's got a crush!"

Simon almost choked. "She has a WHAT!"

"A crush."

"How do you figure?"

"Simon, I was her age once. Not long ago, in fact. I remember exactly what that first love feels like. God, you get so upset about it, all you want to do is eat until you pass out."

"Okay, no," Simon said, "River does not have a crush."

Kaylee giggled. "Sweetie, she's 18. It's normal for her to form a crush at her age. Hell, I'd be worried if she didn't."

"But who could she possibly form a crush on out here in the black?"

Kaylee just stared at him. "Simon, there are men on this ship other than you."

He considered it for a moment. "Wash?"

Kaylee laughed again. The laughter that usually made Simon so happy was getting on his nerves a little bit right now. "Are you serious?"

"What? They play together all the time, don't they?"

"Yeah, like brother and sister."

Simon smiled, "Yes, the way they play together does remind me of how I used to play with River when we were younger."

"Exactly."

Simon thought a bit harder. "Mal?"

"Yuck! No! She calls him Daddy."

Simon searched his mind, even harder. "Book?"

Kaylee just gave him a 'you're being dumb' look.

He strained his brain to think of anyone else River could develop a crush on.

"Badger?"

Kaylee face went from 'you're being dumb' to 'what are you smoking.

Simon strained his mind so hard thinking that he was sure he'd have a headache in the morning. He'd gone through all the crew. Well, except himself. He looked at Kaylee and started to say it, but she gave him a look like she knew what he was going to say, and if he knew what was good for him he'd keep him mouth shut.

If it wasn't Wash, and it wasn't Mal, and it wasn't Book, then who…

Oh, no. No, no, no. It couldn't be.

Simon twisted up his face in indignation and disgust. Kaylee, seeing that he had finally caught on, smiled brightly.

"No," Simon said. "No. No. No, no, no, no, no." Kaylee only nodded in response.

"It's Jayne!" She exclaimed excitedly.

"What's me?" Jayne asked as he lumbered into the galley and over to the cabinets to look for something to eat.

Simon glared at him furiously and Kaylee announced excitedly, "River's got a crush on you."

Jayne stiffened. "Who told you that?"

"Nobody," Kaylee said. "We just figured it out."

Jayne relaxed a bit, relieved that the crazy girl hadn't taken it to her head to tell anyone what had happened the night before. "Well, good for you." He turned to leave, feeling very uncomfortable in that room. He'd avoided thinking about River as much as he could, but with all this talk about her having a crush on him, the only thing he could think about was that tiny cotton nightgown and he breathless moans.

"That's all you have to say?" Simon asked. "You hear my mei mei is carrying a torch for you and all you can say is, 'good for you'?"

Jayne and Kaylee just looked at Simon, confused. "It's just a crush, Simon," Kaylee murmured.

"And I'll bet Jayne doesn't even return it anyway. Right?" She turned to Jayne expectantly.

Ah, hell. Why'd little Kaylee have to put him on the spot like that? He didn't have a problem with lying, but his mind was already in smutty places and his palms were sweating and he wasn't sure he'd be able to say much of anything that made sense. "'Course not," he mumbled. "Not that I…..she's a fine girl…..you should be proud….," he got out before turning and darting away from the galley.

Kaylee and Simon stared after him. "Well, that was…." Kaylee started.

"Out of character," Simon finished.

Kaylee smiled again, "You know what I think?"

Simon didn't, and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it.

"I think he likes her, too."

Yep. He definitely didn't like it.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimers in Part 1**

**

* * *

**Jayne awoke, his head feeling fuzzy and his body a little sore. He was so distracted by the unfamiliar feelings that it took him a few moments to realize his surroundings were unfamiliar, too.

"What the hell?"

"Morning, sleepy head," a little voice said to his left. He turned his head to see River, sitting in a corner, a gun dangling from her hand. "I'm glad you're awake. Was scared I'd given you too much drugs.

Drugs? What? "Wha's goin' on?" Jayne slurred.

"Kidnapped." River explained simply.

"We been kidnapped?"

The girl giggled. "Not we. You."

Jayne was having a very difficult time wrapping his mind around the conversation. "Huh?"

"I kidnapped you."

Jayne first response was to get angry and try to strangle River, but he found his body wasn't exactly functioning.

"Drugs still wearing off," River stated, as she stood and moved over to the little cot he was laying on. "Will be awhile yet until your body catches up with your brain."

Jayne grunted, trying to figure out exactly what was happening. He looked up at the crazy girl. She wasn't wearing that cotton nightgown this time around, but the dress she had on wasn't much bigger. He groaned. With the thoughts that had been going through her brain lately, who know what she might try, especially with him being all doped up.

River giggled again and Jayne was slightly unsettled, knowing that she had heard what he was thinking. "Not going to rape you," she stated, then stopped, thinking. "Well, that is….unless….do you want me to?"

"No, I don't want you to rape me!" Jayne shouted.

"Good," River replied. "Didn't think so. Wouldn't be much fun anyway."

Jayne just grunted again in reply as she walked away, glad she had seemingly dropped the subject. "We can just wait until your fully functioning properly," she finished.

"Hey, now, I thought I made it pretty clear the other night that this thing wasn't going to happen."

"I know. But wrong circumstances. Attempts were calculated incorrectly." She turned to stare at Jayne. "I've done all the math. This conclusion is the most logical."

He closed his eyes and wished this wasn't happening. It wasn't like he really needed to be egged on in his fantasies of her. It would be really nice if she wasn't feeding the fire. He felt himself getting tired, and before he drifted off, Jayne heard River saying, "Just go to sleep now, my Jayne. We can have intercourse when you wake up."

* * *

Jayne drug-hazed dreams were filled with long white limbs and chocolate hair, and the fact the he awoke to those long limbs wrapped around him and that chocolate hair in his face didn't really help matters. 

He thought his head was clearer than the last time he woke, but he wasn't making any move to push the girl away, so he figured he must still be slightly under the influence.

He tried to move and found that he could. At least, he could if his arms and legs weren't strapped down. Damn, the moon brain was really serious about this sex thing. He lifted his head to look around the room and found that they were in the second shuttle. Only there was sunlight filtering in through the windows, so he knew they weren't docked on Serenity.

Gorram, the crazy girl really had kidnapped him. River shifted on top of him, and Jayne felt the cold metal of a gun sliding along his skin through his t-shirt. He swallowed nervously as he started to enjoy the small weight on top of him less and less.

"Jayne," she whispered breathlessly against his neck, and Jayne found that despite the slight trickling of fear, the way she said his name still turned him on.

Without waiting for him to reply, she went on, dragging the gun even further up his body. "Did you know that fear and sexual desire are very closely related?"

All Jayne could do was swallow hard as River went about proving her point. She pushed the gun under his chin and started rubbing herself against him. "Adrenaline. Endorphins. Dopamine, seratonin. All active in the brain during the chemical reactions caused by fear and by sex." She nipped at his chin before suddenly jumping off of him and smiling down at him loopily.

"Jesus," Jayne groaned.

River giggled as she skipped to the other side of the room. "See? You are frightened by me and aroused by me. We must do this. We must have sex."

Despite the fact that he was more turned on than he could ever remember, Jayne decided he had to do the right thing. Poor little girl had never even been with a man before. Deserved better than a guy like him.

Before he realized it, River was standing over him and punching him in the face. "Don't think like that," she ordered. "My life, my choice. I choose you."

"Gorramit, girl, it's my choice, too. And I choose no," he growled out at her.

River just looked down at him, her hair curtaining her face, before smirking. "No you don't."

"What the hell do you mean 'no I don't'? Of course I do, I said it, didn't I?"

"You said it," River agreed. "But you didn't mean it."

She walked away from him and started to mutter, but he wasn't sure if it was to him or to himself.  
"Doesn't make sense. He desires her, yet he doesn't act. He fears her, he is attracted to her, yet he refuses to take her."

She spun around to stare at him. "Would it help if I shot you?"

"What?" Jayne screamed. "No, it wouldn't ruttin' help if you shot me!"

River rolled her eyes. "Not in any vital organs. Just a graze. To get the chemicals moving."

"No, I don't want you to shoot me."

River considered this for a moment. "Will you have sex with me if I don't?"

"No."

River took aim. "Then I have to."

At that moment, Mal and Zoe burst through the door. River looked up at them, but kept the gun aimed at Jayne's leg.

Mal and Zoe looked back and forth between Jayne strapped down to the makeshift bed and River holding a gun on him.

"Well," Mal said after a few moments, "what's goin' on here?"

River just looked at him seriously. "Playing games."

"Well, they don't look like the most enjoyable type of games, little witch."

Zoe glanced toward Jayne and stifled a small laugh. "Looks like Jayne's enjoying 'em, sir."

Mal looked over at Jayne with a look of confusion which quickly turned to disgust. "Dammit, Jayne! She's got a gun trained on you and you're all…you know!"

"Standing at attention, sir?" Zoe supplied.

"Zoe," Mal warned.

"Two sides to the same coin. Fear. Lust. Same chemicals, same reactions," River explained glumly as she dropped the gun.

"Yeah, Mal," Jayne quickly started. "What she said. Same thing. Can't really help it."

Mal looked between the two again, not liking what was going on one bit.

"River, you want to explain why you kidnapped Jayne?"

"Already told you. To play games."

Mal sent Jayne a death glare. "Really? What kind of games?"

River stared at the ground sadly as she placed the gun in Zoe's outstretched hand. "Didn't get to play any. You came too soon."

"Well, that's just too bad," Mal said, barely containing his anger at the confusing situation.

"Not his fault," River said as her head shot up. "Drugged him. Against his will. Brought him to the tower, tried to reverse roles. Turned the knight into Sleeping Beauty hoping he'd still turn her into a real girl."

Mal and Zoe looked at her in utter puzzlement and Jayne just groaned. "Right," Mal finally said. "We can talk about it when we get back to the ship. Zoe, you take Inara's shuttle back, and take River with you. I'll take this one." He turned to Jayne and smiled. "Jayne and I need to have a little chat."


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimers in Part 1**

**

* * *

**

Mal watched Zoe and River fly away as he powered up the shuttle. After a few moments of silence, Jayne asked, "You gonna untie me?"

"Can you give me a good reason that I should?" Mal asked as the lifted the shuttle off the ground.

"Aw, c'mon, Mal. I can feel my hands and feet."

"No, I think I'll keep you there so I can talk to you."

"Mal, this ain't what it looks like."

"River's been acting awfully strange lately."

"And this is different from every other time, how?"

Mal paused. "Stranger than normal."

Jayne grunted. "Ain't that the truth."

Mal continued, ignoring him. "I've been thinking on what it could be that's been making her act the way she has, and earlier today I started to form a theory. One that involves you. So you can imagine my surprise to find you two here. In the shuttle. Alone. All cozy."

"I wouldn't say I'm particularly cozy."

Mal kept on ignoring him. "So, I'm wondering exactly what kind of fun you two have been having lately. What sort of stuff the two of you have been up to that would make her lock herself in her room for a whole day. Or that would make her take off with one of the shuttles and hold you at gun point."

Jayne sighed, a bit relieved that Mal saw the reality of the situation, the she was the one who kidnapped him.

"So what did you do to her?"

Or not. "Mal, I ain't done nothin' to her!"

Mal looked at him disbelieving. Jayne plowed on, deciding now was as good a time as any to tell the captain about the torment the girl had been putting him through. "She's been at it for weeks now, Mal. Won't leave me alone, keeps going on about seduction or some such. Hell, I've been acting like a saint through this whole thing, but there's only so much a man can take."

Mal looked back at Jayne and it looked like he was either getting ready to laugh or to kill him. Jayne really hoped it was the former.

"Is there a good reason I should believe that?" Mal finally asked.

"Mal, if I was making passes at her, she'd rat on me, you know she would."

Mal relaxed a bit, knowing this was true. "So why didn't you rat on her?"

Jayne considered the question and found that he didn't have an answer. Mal noticed, and started to seethe a bit. "Gorramit, Jayne, you'd best not be taking advantage of the situation just because she's not all there."

"I'm not, Mal, I swear." Jayne tried to hold up his hands, only to remember that they were bound. Tightly. And that he had no feeling in them whatsoever.

"Mal, if you don't untie my hands and feet now, you're gonna hafta cut them off when we get back to the boat."

Mal sighed and went to loose Jayne's constraints. When he was free, Jayne gave Mal a grateful look and started shaking his limbs Mal went back to the pilot's seat as the shuttle approached Serenity.

"So this has been going on for awhile?"

"A few weeks, yeah."

"And you've been discouraging it, right?"

"Yeah, of course." Hell, he had. For the most part.

"Didn't look like you were discouraging it much when Zoe and I came in," Mal said as the shuttle docked.

"Come on, Mal! The girl had me tied up! And she was all moving around and saying things I didn't really understand! I'm only a man."

Mal looked at Jayne. He did understand that sort of thing. It hadn't been that long ago since YoSaffBridge had tricked him with her naked articulateness. "Okay," Mal said, pointing at Jayne, "This'll stay between us. So I'm trusting you here. Even if it is against my better judgment. Something like this happens again, you let me know."

"Yeah, Mal. Sure."

Mal just shook his head as he left the shuttle.

* * *

"So," Zoe started, glancing over at River who sat next to her at the helm. "You and Jayne were playing some games?" 

"Trying to," River stated as she glumly stared out the window.

"What kind of games?"

"Sex games."

"Yeah," Zoe sighed, "That's what I thought."

"Jayne is a tricky fish to catch," River said quietly.

"So you haven't caught him yet?"

"No. Tried to. Almost did. Failed every time."

"Maybe Jayne just doesn't want to be caught."

"He does. Scared. Won't be for long. Daddy and Simon will come around, and Jayne will stop being a scared, lonely fish."

Zoe was pretty sure she understood most of that. She glanced at River. "He's swimming against the current," River stated.

Okay, Zoe didn't really get that.

"Fighting destiny," River further explained.

"You sayin' you're Jayne's destiny?"

"One of them," River said simply.

They flew on in silence for a few minutes, until Serenity was in view.

"You can ask me," River said, smiling that slightly eerie smile.

Zoe smirked. "Okay, then. Why Jayne?"

River looked at her, carefully studying her. "Why Wash?"

"What?"

"That's what the captain said to you when you started dating Wash. When you decided to marry him," River said, he eyes glazing over slightly. "'Why the pilot? He's goofy and strange and he plays with toys like he's a little kid,'" River said in a near-perfect imitation of Mal. He vision cleared and she looked up at Zoe. "And you told him it was because you loved him."

Zoe blinked. "You love Jayne?"

River nodded. "I think I do. He's quieter than the rest of you."

Zoe smirked and River gave her a look. "Not physically. His mind doesn't scream at me. It's warm and soft and filled with thoughts of his ma and his family. No war memories, no longing and yearning for someone else." River stopped for a moment before adding, "Aside from me."

"So Jayne likes you, too, huh?"

"Didn't at first. But started to see me as a woman, not a child. Only one who really does, you know. Guess that's another reason."

Zoe starts to say something as the shuttle joins Serenity. "You don't have to apologize," River interrupts. "I don't actually mind it. It's nice sometimes, being babied in a way I never was as a child. But I still need to feel like a woman every once in awhile."

Zoe smiled at River as the left the shuttle. "You know Mal probably had a long, scary chat with Jayne just now."

River nodded. "Jayne is scared. But he'll see soon. Everyone will see."


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimers in Part 1**

* * *

Jayne avoided River even more than he had been for the next few days. River tried to get his attention, but she knew it was only a matter of time, so she went about her business, watching The Planets Will turn with Kaylee and playing dinosaurs with Wash. 

Mal kept a wary eye on Jayne at all times, as did Simon, only he tried to do it in a less obvious, less intimidating way. Zoe watched him, too, but it wasn't at all in an intimidating way. Which made Jayne even more nervous. She looked at him like she was trying to figure something out. Then she'd just shake her head and walk away. That woman was acting all manner of confusing.

Kaylee was just smiling at him. A lot. And not long after, Wash started to smile at him, too. Whole damn ship was going completely bughouse crazy. It was enough to drive a man right our of his mind along with the rest of the crew.

* * *

River watched half-heartedly as Melissa and Warren made up and kissed. It wasn't that she no longer enjoyed her soap operas, because she still did. But she was beginning to think looking to them for guidance wasn't a good idea. 

Kaylee plopped down next to her. "I've only got a few minutes to watch, then I have to get back to my girl. What's happenin?"

"Melissa and Warren are finally making up," River explained.

"Finally! I mean, I know it's a lot to get through, what with her getting knocked up by another guy and him trying to kill that other guy, but they've always been such a great couple."

River nodded as Kaylee tried to catch up. "Ooh, they get to have make-up sex!" Kaylee squeeled. "That's the best kind!"

River's head shot up. She had never really heard of any of her soap opera scenarios occurring to people she knew, so she was suddenly eager to have personal assessment. "Make-up sex is something that happens often?"

"If you're lucky," Kaylee said slyly.

"That doesn't make sense," River said. "Why would it be lucky? You're only having it often if you fight often."

"Honey, couples fight all the time. It's something you just can't avoid. But if you can cool off and forgive enough to have some really great make-up sex, then you know you're relationships in the right place."

River looked of into space and began to think. After a few moments Kaylee asked, "You okay? You're like, a million miles away."

"I think I owe Jayne an apology for kidnapping him," River said finally.

* * *

Jayne dropped into his bunk to find River waiting for him. "Hi, Jayne!" she said cheerily. 

Jayne stopped, terrified. "What the hell you doin' in my room, girl?"

"Don't worry," River said. "Nobody's coming."

"You git, you hear me?" He said, ignoring her. Last thing he needed was someone finding her in here.

"The last thing you need is me too close to you," River said. "That's what you're really scared of, isn't it? Being to close to me. Not being able to control yourself. Chemicals. Adrenaline." She smiled and stretched, as if she was being lavished in those chemicals she was talking about.

Jayne just stared. "What are you doing down here?"

River blinked, as if she had forgotten where she was. "Apologizing," she said once she had gotten a hold on herself.

Jayne just kept staring at her.

"For kidnapping you," she continued. "Shouldn't have done it. Should have known you'd get in trouble for it. I'm sorry."

Jayne shifted, nervously, not sure if she really was sorry or if she was just getting at something. River looked up at him urgently. "I am sorry, really! I wouldn't want you to get in trouble, especially because of me."

She seemed sincere enough. "Okay, then," Jayne said awkwardly. Apologies weren't something he was good with. "Apology…you know….accepted."

"Good," River smiled even wider and stood up, smoothing her skirts down and looking at him expectantly. He stared at her, completely unsure what she was getting at. She continued to look at him, growing impatient.

"Well?" She asked after several moments passed.

"Well what?"

"We had a fight."

"Wasn't really a fight."

"A disagreement. An apology was made."

"And?"

"Make-up sex."

Jayne groaned and ran his hand down his face. He should have known better. He felt River move closer to him. "Make-up sex, Jayne. We have to have it. We have to know our relationship is solid."

She needed to stop getting so close to him. He really didn't need anyone stumbling in on them like this, after what had happened on the shuttle.

He put out his hand to stop her, but before he could move further, the hatch to him bunk opened. "Jayne," Mal yelled down. Jayne winced in silent pain. This was it. He was done for. He tried to decide whether he'd prefer going out the airlock or getting his balls chopped off.

"We're looking for the girl," Mal said as he started down the ladder. "Can't seem to find her anywhere, and I had this hunch…." he stopped once he hit the ground. "And it looks like I was right."

* * *

The crew gathered around the galley table, sans River. Mal decided the child didn't need to be there when they decided what to do with Jayne. River had tried to protest, but Simon had given her some pencils and a pad of paper and sternly told her to wait in her room. River had seen how much he wanted her elsewhere, so she took pity on him and agreed. Mal had to hand it to the doc, at least he hadn't doped her. 

Mal stood pacing, while everyone else sat around the table. Jayne twiddled his thumbs nervously.

"Okay," Mal thundered. The crew jumped, and Mal decided to lower his voice and change his tone, just a little. "Okay. There have been some mighty strange things happening on my ship lately. Most of them having to do with you," Mal pointed at Jayne, "and that sweet little girl who's coloring in her room right now."

"Why do we have to be here for this?" Wash asked.

"I've been reviewing the facts," Mal said. "And as far as I can tell, Jayne didn't kidnap himself. The girl's getting some funny notions, and I want to find out where she's been getting them from."

"Maybe Jayne's been telling her what to do," Simon tried desperately. Everyone at the table suppressed their laughs.

"Sweetie, when was the last time you were able to get River to do anything she really didn't want to?" Kaylee asked.

Simon closed his mouth and looked down at her hands.

"Now, Jayne. I want you to tell me every detail of what's been going on between you and River. So I can find out exactly what that girl's been thinking, and so I can decide whether or not I'm going to throw you out the airlock."

Jayne gulped. So it was the airlock then. He was a little more than embarrassed to be sharing the bizarre courtship River had unleashed upon him, so he stumbled through it as quickly as he could.  
"The girl came up to me one night a few years ago wearing this little nighty, telling me I needed to tear it off her. So I just pushed her off on her brother. Then she made some cookies and said something about cookies equaling sex. I just ran away. Then she had this whole elaborate thing about how she was 18, and then she told me…" he trailed off then, really not wanting to go there.

"Told you what?" Mal prodded.

Jayne gulped, mortified. "Told me she was a virgin."

Simon turned beet red, and Jayne wasn't sure if it was out of rage or embarrassment. He looked over to see Mal redden, too, and figured that, in that case, it was probably mostly out of embarrassment.

He found that Simon's coloring was due to rage when the young doctor shouted, "And I bet that just revved you up even more, didn't it, you ape?"

Kaylee started laughing then. "Something funny, little Kaylee?" Mal asked impatiently.

"Sorry, cap'n," Kaylee gasped. "It's just….revved up? Who the hell says that?" she laughed harder, and soon Inara and Wash joined her. Simon's blush deepened, and Jayne knew that this time it was definitely out of embarrassment.

"The doc has a point, though," Mal said, glaring at Jayne.

Jayne looked at Mal with indignation written all over his face. "I've done a lot of bad things, but when she told me that, I ran the other way. Fast as I could."

Mal looked at him for a moment, trying to decide if her was lying. "I suppose you did."

"What?" Simon asked. "How do you suppose that?"

"If they'd already had sex then she wouldn't have had cause to kidnap him," Inara supplied.

"Exactly. Not Jayne's fault. Are you all forgetting the part where she drugged me and tied me up?"

Kaylee looked deep in thought suddenly. "Hang on."

"You got something to say?" Mal asked.

"I think…" her face was screwed up, trying to remember. "You say she wanted you to rip through her nightgown?"

Jayne nodded.

"And then she said something pretty much like 'cookies equal sex?"

Another nod.

"Then she tried to seduce you on her 18th birthday?"

"Near enough."

The look on Kaylee's face became more and more distressed. "And then she kidnapped you?"

"Yeah."

"Oh, no," Kaylee muttered.

"What?" Mal asked. "What's wrong?"

"I think I know where she got her ideas to seduce Jayne."

"You didn't give them to her, did you?" Simon asked.

"God, no! I like to think I'm a bit more subtle than that."  
"Then where'd she get them?" Mal said.

Kaylee looked around the table. "Those are all storylines from The Planets Will Turn."

The table grew silent for a moment. "She got those ideas from ruttin' soap operas?" Mal roared.

Jayne just sat, silently, watching Mal's rage grow. At least the captain wasn't mad at him anymore.

"I know those stupid shows were a bad idea. But you were all smiley and 'no, cap'n. All young girls need soaps. It's a part of growin' up'. See what happens when I listen to you?" Kaylee flinched at the captain's rants. "Doc," Mal said to Simon, "go fetch your sister."

Simon scampered away while the rest of the crew listened to Mal creatively string together Mandarin curses. Soon, Simon walked into the room, River trailing behind him. Mal look up at the girl.

"You really been going after Jayne using soap operas as your guide?"

River nodded guiltily. Mal swore some more. "Okay," he said. "That's it. No more soaps."

River looked up at him, her face filled with disbelief and anger.

"I mean it. I don't want you getting anymore ideas. You're too smart for that go se anyway."

River looked properly scolded. Wash leaned over to pat her hand. "Tough break, kid."

"Not just kid," Mal said. "When I said no soaps, I meant just that. NO SOAPS. No more soap operas on the ship. Period."

"Cap'n!" Kaylee and Wash shouted in unison.

"No, I ain't discussin' this further. You two should be trying to set good examples for River. Can't do that watching something she's been banned from. No more soaps. That's final."

Wash and Kaylee look down at the floor.

"Now, we got that all dealt with, we need to talk about Jayne and River."

Jayne groaned as the attention was brought back to him.

"Little witch," Mal turned to River. "Why Jayne?"

"Hey," Jayne protested, but Mal ignored him.

River looked to Zoe, who smiled encouragingly. River felt nervous speaking her feelings in front of the whole crew. She looked over at Simon, who just looked upset and confused. "Warm," she let out shakily. "Makes my head feel warm. Safe. Sees me."

Everyone looked at her, confused, but she's just glad she was able to get the thoughts out without too much trouble. "Mei mei," Simon began.

"Not little girl," River started before he could even get his thoughts out. "Not little anymore. 18. Can choose a man. I choose Jayne."

Simon looked at her, flabbergasted. "Not a little girl," River repeated. Then, after a minute, "Would still appreciate an allowance, though."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimers in Part 1**

**

* * *

**River wandered the ship, aimlessly. Ever since Mal had banned soap operas, she was at a completely loss as to what to occupy her time with. Kaylee had the engine and Wash had the flying. River had nothing. Simon had suggested finding a new hobby. She'd just scowled at him. She'd loved that soap opera. She needed proper time to mourn it before replacing it in her heart.

She played dinos with Wash a bit, but it wasn't the same. They couldn't play as their favorite characters, and Wash was much better with plans of world domination on his own. She was too glum to play well anyway. So she'd pretty much just sit there and watch.

"Cheer up, little River," Wash had finally said to her three days after the banishing of daytime melodrama. "You'll find something else to take up your time."

"Not something as interesting. And Melissa was just about to have the baby."

"I know it's tough, kid, but you gotta cheer up."

"It's not just the soap operas," River stated.

"Oh. Jayne?"

River nodded sadly.

"Don't worry, it'll all work out."

"He doesn't want me. Thinks I'm weird."

Wash put down his dinos and turned his full attention to River. "Now, listen here, young'un. I've got sisters, and believe me when I tell you that every single teenage girl thinks that the guy she likes thinks she's weird."

"Not all teenage girls can her other people's thoughts," River said, pouting.

"This is true," Wash conceded, "But this is Jayne we're talking about. We were on Persephone yesterday and he didn't go running for the hills. That's a good sign, right?"

"I guess."

"Zoe thought I was weird at first, too River. But I'm a lucky guy, because I latched on to a lady who kind of likes weird things. I'm thinking you'll be just as lucky as I am."

* * *

Jayne and River spent most of the time moving about the ship like two awkward thirteen year olds. They tried as hard as possible to stay far, far away from each other. But every once in awhile, they'd pass each other in the hall. They'd just squeeze themselves against the walls as the passed, avoiding eye contact, and mumbling unintelligibly. "I gotta-" 

"I'm just on my way-"

"So I'll see you later."

"Yep."

River stayed out of the cargo bay, Jayne stayed away from the passenger dorms. They were both quite miserable.

"This is getting ridiculous Jayne," Mal finally said after they finished up a job on Whitefall. "You either kiss that poor girl or you set her straight. Just do something. The tension on this ship is going to kill us all."

Problem was, Jayne couldn't decide whether he wanted to kiss her or tell her to get lost. Mal finally had enough of it by the time they were getting ready to go into town for supplies. "I want you to go buy yourself something fun," Mal said to River, handing her some money.

River beamed up at him. "Thank you, Daddy."

Mal nodded at her then called out, "Jayne!"

River and Jayne both winced. Jayne walked over rigidly. "Yeah, Mal?"

"River's got some shopping to do. Everyone's got stuff. I need you to take her."

River and Jayne looked at each other, than looked away quickly. "Mal I don't think that's good idea."

"Jayne, what part of what I just said sounded like a question?"

"Come on, Mal. Let her go with Kaylee."

River felt his rejection hit her like a fist. She bit her lip to keep from crying. Mal pointed a finger at Jayne.

"Kaylee's already gone."

Jayne started to say something else, but was cut off.

"Jayne," Mal said warningly. "Take. The girl. Shopping. And have a good time." He walked away and joined Zoe as they headed toward town. Jayne stared after Mal and sighed heavily.

River tried to swallow past the lump in her throat so she could get some words out. "It's okay," he voice trembled dangerously. "Don't have to go."

Jayne, hearing the tears in her voice and feeling them hit him in the stomach like a brick, looked down at River. And he started to panic. "Oh, hey, don't cry! Come on! I want to go shopping, I really do."

River shook her head, the tears coming faster. "No. Don't want to go. You don't want to be alone with me."

Jayne had no idea what to do. "No, that ain't true at all! I want to go shopping. I really, really do."

River was backing away from him now. "Doesn't want to take the girl shopping."

Jayne didn't know what to do. The girl was going into hysterics right in front of him, and he didn't like the heavy feeling that put in his chest.

"Doesn't want me," she whimpered.

Before he realized what he was doing, Jayne reached for River. She flinched away from him. "Afraid of her. Silly, stupid girl."

"Hey, now. You ain't stupid. You're the smartest gorram person I know."

"Doesn't want the crazy girl with her broken brain," she said as she sank to the floor, drawing her knees up and burying her face in them. "Weird girl. Weird crazy girl."

Jayne just stared at her, completely out of his element. She looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. "You think I'm weird!" she wailed at him.

Jayne briefly wondered how a big bad merc like himself had gotten tangled up in a junior high-style romance. River made another face at him. "You think I'm childish, too!" She let out a sob and buried her face in her knees.

Jayne knelt next to her. "You got it kind of wrong, there, girl. You may be able to hear my thoughts, but you don't know go se about understanding 'em."

He placed a hand tentatively on her shoulder. She whimpered, but didn't pull away, so he considered it a good sign. "Sure, I think you're weird." She went stiff under his hand. "But, I like that," he quickly added. "Don't mean you're bad or anything. Just means you're different from everyone else. Special."

River peeked at him from behind her knees. "Special?"

"Yeah," Jayne replied. He cleared his throat. This was definitely not his area of expertise, and he didn't want to mess this up. If he said the wrong thing, there was a very big chance she'd finally kill him with her brain like she'd always threatened she would. He also realized he didn't want to blow his chance with the girl. And that thought made him soldier forward.

"And I don't think you're childish. I think you're innocent. And I like that, too. Just means the 'verse ain't crushed your spirits yet."

"Not innocent anymore, though," she said, looking up at Jayne sadly. Jayne rubbed his hand along her arm as comfortingly as he could.

"Sure ya are."

"Not as much as I should be."

"Well, if you were too innocent, I wouldn't want you."

It took her looking up at him with wide, surprised eyes before he realized what he'd said.

"You want me?" River asked in a tiny voice.

Aw, hell. He hadn't really meant to admit that. "But you did," River said, with a slightly teasing tone to her voice.

"Yeah, well-"

"Because…?" River lead.

"Huh?" Jayne was confused.

River sighed dreamily. "Tell me why you want me."

Jayne floundered. "Well, you're….uh..."

River stared at him expectantly, eyes wide. Eyes. Yes. Eyes would be a good place to start.

"I like…your eyes."

"Yeah?"

"Yep."

"Why?"

"Why? They're pretty that's why."

River let out an noise of exasperation. "Well why are they pretty?"

"I don't know, they just are."

River considered it. "That's good enough I supposed. Continue."

Jayne racked his brain, thinking. "You're awfully graceful. Like that about ya."

"You like dainty, pretty things. Like small birds. Never let anyone know that, though. Think it shows weakness."

Jayne grunted, not liking the way she saw his brain like that.

"Doesn't make you weak. Makes you strong. Makes you a protector. Protector of small, beautiful things."

Jayne looked down, slightly embarrassed.

"You want to protect me," River said.

"Well, sure I do. You're a tiny little thing. Course I want to make sure you don't get hurt none."

"And because you like me."

"Well….that too."

River smiled. "More, please."

Jayne sighed. Women. "Well….I guess I kinda like the way you talk."

River's brow furrowed.

"Yeah, you talk all fancy, like you're always singing a song. It's….pretty."

River eyes welled up with tears. "Nobody's ever said anything like that to me before."

Jayne looked up to see a tear slip down River's cheek. He reached up to brush it away. "Hey, don't do that. I'm being as nice as I can be."

"I know," River said quietly. "That's why I'm crying. That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said."

Without warning, she unfolded her limbs and climbed into Jayne's arms. Jayne was surprised, but he wrapped his arms around her. She placed her head on his shoulder and sighed happily.

"So," she began. "Can we have the sex now?"

Jayne's laugh vibrated through he body, and she closed her eyes, letting it float through her fingers and toes.

"Now, you're moving a bit fast. We ain't even kissed yet."

River pulled back slightly and looked into Jayne's eyes. "Okay, commence the kissing."

Jayne chuckled lightly, but then became very nervous when he looked into River's waiting face. This wasn't something he did often, and especially not with sweet little girls who had been trying like hell to seduce him for weeks.

"Stop thinking so loud. Start kissing," River demanded.

"Okay, hang on. Let me, you know….prepare myself."

River rolled her eyes and leaned forward quickly, pressing her lips to his. It was entirely awkward at first, pretty much just two people with little kissing experience pressing their mouths together. They both pulled away, but before either realized it, their lips were fused together again, pressing, tasting. It was a slow kiss, sweet and exploratory. Jayne brought his hand up to tangle in River's hair, tilting her head to deepen the kiss as the ran his tongue against her bottom lip. River responded, fisting her hands in his shirt and opening her mouth.

She tasted like a mixture of the mint toothpaste they all used and the apple candy Mal had bought her on Persephone. Jayne thought it was the sweetest thing he'd ever tasted.

The pulled apart reluctantly, needing air more than either wished they did. River smiled at Jayne before resting her head on his shoulder, her face in the crook of his neck. Jayne pulled her as close as he could.

"That was nice," River said. Jayne merely grunted his agreement.

River kissed Jayne neck lightly before asking, "Can we have the sex now?"

THE END.


End file.
